Saturday 27 October 2012

Grief Makes a Promise

I feel like I'm going crazy.  
[Grief speaks] Come sit down, let's talk.  
Not you! Leave me alone!
You have moved into my life and you won't leave.
Everywhere I look; there you are, staring me in the face, filling my life with pain.
 
[Grief responds] I know. But just hear me out, okay?  
I'm tired of listening to you.
Tired of feeling so many things; Confused, sad, hopeless, angry, anxious, guilty, helpless, isolated, empty, alone, exhausted, lost, and fearful.
 
[Grief firmly] You're supposed to have feelings. You're human.  
Look you don't understand. My baby who I love and care for very much has died and it HURTS--
It hurts so badly I can't stand it. Sometimes I don't even want to be here anymore.
 
[Grief comforting] I hear you. But if you never loved, you'd never grieve. What you feel is normal.  
No, it's not. Everyone says I'm--well--they say that I'm grieving too much.
They are worried about me. They say that it's time to move on.
They said to me: "It's time to put closure on this". "It's time to heal, accept, recover, and get over it".
 
[Grief softly] And you can't.  
Well, no. Not like they want me to.
I can't put closure on my love.
My love did not die.
I can't wake up one day and suddenly exclaim," I'm healed".
I'll never completely heal
I certainly will not "accept" or "recover" from my baby’s death.
And, I will never "get over" it, as if my grief is a problem that can be fixed.
 
[Grief whispers] You don't have to.  
What do you mean?  
[Grief takes a seat] Everyone grieves differently.
And you have the right to grieve however you're going to grieve.
You had an unique relationship with your baby-- a relationship that no one can ever fully understand.
 
So, what am I supposed to do?  
[Grief moving closer] Five things.

First; grieve; feel your grief. That's why I'm in your life. So you can begin to feel again. Even though you don't like what you feel.

Second; talk it out with people who are willing to listen and not judge you. Find a way to get all those bottled up feelings out so they don't go round and round with no place to go. Find those people who will really listen. They are out there. DO IT.

Third; realize that everyone grieves differently. Respect this.

Fourth; Live. Even though at times you don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other. Your job is to live your life, despite all the changes you've gone through, despite all the pain.

And fifth; talk about your baby. Say his or her name. Tell your baby’s life story. Your baby lived a life. Find people who will listen to the stories and who will in turn tell you their stories of your baby .Your love for your baby will never go away. You will always carry it in your heart.

[Grief offering a handshake] And, finally, I make you a promise.  
[Shaking hands] You? Grief? Are making me a promise?  
[Grief] Yes, my promise to you is:
As terrible as you feel now, you will not feel this way forever.
There will be times that you will laugh.
Times where your confusion, your sadness, hopelessness, your anger, anxiety, guilt, helplessness, isolation, emptiness, loneliness, exhaustion and fear will not feel so intense.
Don't get me wrong. You will never forget your baby.
And feeling less grief does not mean that you are forgetting him/her. Now, I want you to say your baby’s name.
Go ahead, say it.
 
(say your baby's name) 
[Grief] It's a precious name.
Take the memories.
Put them in your heart, feel them. And know that your baby will always safely be in your heart.
 
Always?  
[Grief] I promise.

Unknown author.

Friday 19 October 2012

The Gift of Someone Who Listens


Those of us who have travelled awhile
Along this path called grief
Need to stop and remember that mile,
The first mile of no relief. 

It wasn't the person with answers,
Who told us the ways to deal.
It wasn't the one who talked and talked
That helped us start to heal.
 
Think of friends who quietly sat
And held our hands in theirs,
The ones who let us talk and talk
And hugged away our tears.
 
We need to always remember
That, more than the words we speak,
It's the gift of someone who listens
That most of us desperately seek.

Author: Nancy Myerholts

Tuesday 16 October 2012

Remembrance

Following on from the beautiful Wave of Light event all around the world - and our own little event on Philip's Footprints facebook page - I would like to share a couple of websites that offer remembrance items.

http://www.thememorytree.co.uk/  (profits go to Aidan's Elephants, who donate memory boxes around the UK)

http://www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk/index.php?p=home

Both are websites set up by bereaved parents, with a lot of love and care going into what they provide.

Wishing you gentle days xxx

Sunday 14 October 2012

I am Still Standing

Good morning people

A wonderful website, sharing some great articles and blog posts regarding not only baby loss but dealing with that other taboo, infertility, as well. 

Still Standing 

"An online magazine with contributors from around the world to inspire healing after the loss of a child and those facing infertility."
 
http://www.facebook.com/StillStandingMAG

Free Newsletter Sign Up: http://eepurl.com/kpmZn Website: http://stillstandingmag.com/


They have selected this blog post to share with us :-

http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/what-you-should-and-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-baby/

Wishing you gentle days xxx


Saturday 13 October 2012

Too beautiful for Earth

Something simple for my inaugural post. 
An Angel from the Book of Life,
Wrote down my baby's birth
And whispered as she closed the book,
“Too Beautiful for Earth".

Wishing you gentle days xxx